I think I am really really sick.
I feel like want to cry even I'm not sad, not angry or not in pain.
I think there is something so burden in my heart.
I don't know what is it but I know I'm sick.

I always give myself a false hope.
Everytime I want to cut myself or suicide, I always tell myself that I'm going to be okay.
But sadly, nothing going to be okay.
Once you have mental illness, no matter what you do, what pill you take, you can't escape.
Nobody can't escape from depression.
Maybe for a few month you think you okay
You think you finally escape
You think everything is okay
but then suddenly, it back and kick you right on your face and you can't even fight back.
It sad and hurt at the same time.
It a lot sad when you have no one to talk to about your pain.
And it's a lot hurt when you try to talk to someone and they just don't care
And think that you just an attention seeker.

This kind of thing make me feels scare and phobia to talk to anyone about my problem.
Its became my habit to just hide every pain in my only heart.
Its make me weaker from time to time.
Its make me sick most of time.

I write this blog again because I'm too scare.
Like what if one day, I'm going to suicide for real and die.
I mean, at least if I die, I hope people will know why from reading this blog.

Lastly, I'm sorry to my follower.
I don't mean to spread negative thing.
I just need to write because no one hear me anymore.
I'm sorry.

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  1. hi firdaus?
    no matter how bad the situation, try to at least look for a little bit of good in it. it's hard to see sometimes but it's there. trust me.

    and um

    pls dont hesitate to dm me if u ever need positivity? :)

  2. If you think that no one's gonna hear you, Allah is All-Hearing. Don't take everything too seriously. Things will get better :)

  3. yes, its totally hard and sad when no one is there to share the problems with. sorry, i dont know what to say and comment but i hope you dont think too much (overthink) and pls do not ever hurt yourself.

  4. Agreed! Allah is All Hearing .HE will never leave you! and never hurt you. Dont ever choose wrong way! HOPE is always there


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