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I actually don't really know if I have depression or not.
I never meet a doctor maybe because its not a physical pain.
I mean its not like everyone can see its bleeding or something so I just ignore it.
I was thinking about suicide since I was in 8 years old.
I know about suicide when I read a book, maybe when I was 6 or 7 years old
and I obsessed to it.
I think its great for people to have a choice to end their life
but I don't know that its actually a wrong thing.
I'm not good with relationship even with my family.
So thats why I want to die that early.
I was and am not talking with my mom about what I feels, what I did.
I just let it be and put everything for my bear.
I also not good in friendship thing.
I don't think I have a friend that truly know and care about me.
I just feels they used me.
And I don't believe to love anymore.
Its not because my previous relationship, its because of me.
Its because of my life that I think love actually not exist.
I'm sorry for my ex that I just ignore him when we was in relationship.
I'm just not good with everything.
I'm just not good enough.
When I was in 18, I took a blade and put it on my wrist
but I'm too scare so ended up crying thinking about why I need to face and bear this all alone.
I know about depression since this year.
When I feels so burden, so down but actually not a thing wrong.
I don't want to go to the class and hope to die.
I don't go to the doctor and ask what wrong.
I just found out from my Facebook's friend
and also some from internet.
So I just do believe maybe I really have depression.
I also learn about selfharm and I did it.
I do selfharm.
I cut myself on my wrist, my belly and my thigh.
I think its help me to go for another day instead of suicide.
I always quit my study
but I actually love what I'm studying about.
I'm not depress about what I'm study.
I want to quit because one day, I can't even wake up to go to the class.
I want to die so bad.
I just think its will end for 2 semesters.
And I also did a great job for a few last semester.
I do get a Dean's list for a straight 3 semesters
but when you have depression and want to kill yourself and also selfharm,
thats not helping at all.
I also planning to suicide in few ways
but I don't have a gut to do it for real.
I just hope I will have a great future because I always try to change for better.
I always think that one day, I will have my own family, my own child and live happily ever after.
But I'm not good with every happy thing.
I'm not good in love.
I just too tired to bear it alone.
I just don't think its okay if I keep living like this.
I just too tired.
I'm sorry.

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